Forget Oil stocks! Banks Are Literally Murdering Your Portfolio!

bank-evil

You awake in the middle of the night to the exasperated shaking of your financial advisor, crouching at the head of your bed.

Your Financial Advisor: Dude wake up! Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck…Wake up!

You: Wha-What? What are you doing in my room?

Your Financial Advisor: Shhh…be quiet man they’ll hear you. Look man some bad shit went on while you were sleeping. It’s your portfolio, it’s–Shh did you hear that? Oh god I’m so fucking scared right now.

You: What is going on?

You hear the your portfolio screaming in the distance. 

Your Financial Advisor: Oh fuck he’s fucking dying

You: Who’s dying?

Your Financial Advisor: Your fucking portfolio!

You: What! Oh shit it’s the oil stocks!

Your Financial Advisor: Man, forget about the oil stocks! Banks are literally murdering your portfolio! We got some serious shit going on right now. They’re down in the basement right now and they’ve got him tied up and oh fuck this is so bad.

You: But me and the banks are cool. This has gotta be the oil stock. I mean I just got that Prius and–

Your Financial Advisor: I said forget about the oil stock okay? It’s Deutsche Bank, Barclays, JPMorgan Chase and some other guys and they’re down there with a knife right up to the neck of your portfolio and they’re screaming about low interest rates, increasing regulations, and falling crude oil prices!

You: So it is the oil stock!

Your Financial Advisor: I SAID FORGET ABOUT THE FUCKING OIL STOCK–

You: (whispering) Shhh! Why would I forget about the oil stocks?

Your Financial Advisor: Look we dumped most your oil stocks in favor of more green energy companies awhile ago. They’re a problem but we’ve got them contained.

You: Then why the fuck are there a bunch of fucking banks down in the basement with my fucking portfolio, screaming about fucking oil stocks?

Your Financial Advisor: The oil companies owe the bank companies a bunch of money, they can’t pay up so they’re coming after your portfolio!

You: If the oil companies are making the banks lose money, why are the banks coming after my portfolio?

Your Financial Advisor: I’ve got something to tell you man, and you’re not going to like it. Because you own the bank stock…YOU ARE THE BANKS

You suddenly find yourself bound in a chair in your basement while surrounding yourself in that same chair, being killed as you kill yourself. Your financial advisor collects his commission as you bleed out on the floor.