Earlier a large group of independent time travelers appeared at a political rally at the University of Illinois at Chicago, leaving many investors in the universe wondering if a split could be in the future. Splits are maneuvers where a company or universe increases the number of shares or universes outstanding – as a way to lower the per-share stock price, or ridiculousness of the universe. A company will split its stock as a way to encourage investors to get in at a perceived lower price, while a time traveler will split the universe as a part of an attempt to rid the world of some stupid asshat who’s ruined the future.
Time will tell why so many people from so many periods saw fit to arrive at once, but judging by their actions at the packed arena they are possibly trying to stop a mad lunatic from gaining control of the country. According to market experts, one thing they won’t be able to stop is the inevitable split of the universe into hundreds of parallel entities which may grow even more outlandish.
“We’re looking at hundreds of time travelers in the same place at the same time,” says market analyst and time travel expert Conner Johnson, “There’s no way a major split isn’t in our future, and that’s great news for universe speculators! An investor in the universe technically doesn’t gain anything when the universe splits, but it’s psychological. With more universes there’s more chance for greater levels of stupid bullshit. We could be seeing significant growth.”
While it appears the lunatic canceled the event, the mere fact these travelers were in the same room together has likely already spun us into a parallel universe where said lunatic wears a stupid red hat everywhere.